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Dear Accounts Payable Clerk

By February 1, 2017March 15th, 2019Business, Uncategorized

Dear Appy,

Pardon me for being so familiar, but I feel as if I know you well, even though we haven’t met, and I don’t know your name. Appy is just one of the names I use when I think of you. For years I have been corresponding with you at least 3 times per month as I send you my invoice, a reminder about last month’s invoice, and a demand for payment of the invoice from the month before. If my wife knew I was writing to another woman (or man!) as regularly as I write to you, my marriage could be in jeopardy.


I am exceptionally grateful for the payment you recently sent me for my invoice for services rendered FOUR MONTHS ago. It is gratifying to know that you feel you have done me a great big favour by doing so. I could almost feel your relief, I hope it made you feel as warm inside as it did me. The trouble is that by the time I received this payment, the invoice I sent you THREE MONTHS ago was now FOUR MONTHS old. It is good to see there are some constants in life don’t you think?

Perhaps you could consider that I buy my groceries with the money which you seem to take such delight in withholding, in the same way that you buy yours with the money your boss pays you for keeping my money. Perhaps if I suggested to him that you not be paid this week, that would leave sufficient funds for you to pay my THREE MONTH old account. You would only need to wait for a WEEK or so to get paid I am sure.

As a parent, it’s a terrible thing to see the hurt look in your children’s eyes as you once again bring home stale bread and peanut butter from the staff kitchen cupboard for dinner. “But we are hungry daddy” they say, “Why does Miss Acccounts Payable hate us so much?” “Appy doesn’t hate you” I reply “She’s not really a bad person she’s just thinks she’s doing her job”. They said they’d invite you to their birthday party, if they had one.

I know that my business is only small in the scheme of things, and that your larger suppliers need to be paid first or they won’t deliver any more. I know you have friends on your list who need to get paid first. I consider you a friend, in fact I would like to buy you lunch if only I could afford it (there I go talking about food again). I recognise that withdrawal of my supply is not as important as for example that of cleaning products or stationery, but in my vanity I would hope that you might value what I do for your company more than a bog roll or a Post-It note.

If I could receive payment of my invoice in this life time that would be appreciated, I need to make provision for my funeral, you’ll be invited.

Yours in anticipation,

Small Business Owner

(You can call me SBO)

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